My dear blog-buddy Bethany got married recently. She’s been posting her wedding pictures, and yesterday she posted her best post ever about submission in marriage. It’s a great post, and a great story. I don’t want to tell too much here. But here is a tiny bit from towards the end…
On the way home I just smiled inside with complete satisfaction. That was my role. To stand by my husband’s decisions….and it really wasn’t all that painful!
I’m sure the day will come when the decision will be larger…and maybe more important to me. The decision will affect a lot more than how we spend an evening. It will be big. But I will have to trust that God knows what he is doing in assigning roles and giving instruction. And I’ll have to trust that Joshua is doing his part…
Bethany is blessed to be practicing this Biblical principle so early in her married life! She ends her post thus:
And if any of you have any words of wisdom, any gleans of advice that you have discovered to be true through the testing of time, any theological corrections to my small understanding of the scripture, please feel free to share. I will take all the help I can get!
Well my friend, as today marks my 10th wedding anniversary, let me share the lessons I have learned in the past decade. A lot of this is probably news to no one… but I’m a-gonna write it anyway!
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I’m drawing a blank. Surely I’ve learned something?! Something other than platitudes like “Men and Women are different” and “Count Your Blessings”…
Well, actually, those two are pretty important. I’ve had to remind myself of those a lot over the years and remind other people as well. Especially when I factored in a third principle.
Hollywood is bad for your brain.
Confession time. When we were first married, I was hooked on ABC soap operas. (aaiiieeee! Bad Baptist! Bad Baptist!) Three solid hours a day of tawdry behavior and romance. I ate it up with a spoon. Funny thing… I became increasingly dissatisfied with my husband. Then I came to a stunning realization. Real men don’t have scriptwriters. The men on the soaps had someone writing all those wonderful romantic lines for them to pour out like massage oil on waiting feminine ears. (they were also wearing make-up, but we won’t get into that!) My poor husband, working long hard hours serving his country, didn’t have a handy sheaf of stock sweet nothings to shower upon his increasingly demanding young bride. All he had to offer me was love, loyalty, and hard work. And for a long stupid while, I thought I was getting the short end of the stick.
But I am blessed. First because God spoke unto me and basically said “If you love Me, give up the soaps.” And second because my mom raised me right. She taught me before I ever got married that the men who are really good at flower sending and romantic talk might very well be practicing on more than one woman. I met someone in just that boat. Her husband was the most romantic guy you could ever meet. He knew the right things to say. He always sent flowers. The way he proposed to her would make you gag it was so gushy. And he had someone on the side for years. I’ll never forget how she told me with tears in her eyes that she would trade for my quiet, calm, seemingly unromantic husband in a New York minute.
So I remember that men are different. I remember to count my blessings. I remember that having a good man who comes home to me at night, works hard, supports his family, and is very kind and generous to all of us is absolutely priceless. (and that fact that he is a good-lookin’ manly man Marine is just icing on the cake!) Even if he never looks at me the way Darcy looks at Elizabeth in that one scene (you P&P people know what I’m talking about). Even if he never whisks me off to some romantic Italian villa after I recover from a coma and a dangerous cliff-top catfight with my evil twin… (okay, now I’m just being silly) I have a GOOD man. I am very, very blessed.
Another thing I’ve learned… Marriage has its ups and downs just like everything else. You have days you don’t even like the person you married. But they pass. You have second honeymoons and third and fourth… They pass. And in between there are a lot of ordinary days. Tired days. Sick days. Sunny days. It’s sticking it out that matters. And laughter. Lots of laughter. Things that would have led to a six hour emotional ordeal in our first year of marriage are just funny now. That and we’re too tired to argue. I’ll turn to him and say blearily, “You know, that remark would have gotten you hammered 8 years ago - but I’m… just… too sleepy…zzzz” Of course, he’s already asleep anyway. Four kids under the age of eight will do that to you!
And here’s one I only realized recently.
Love is, or is supposed to be, unconditional.
Romance is very, very conditional.
I had a young friend, a newlywed (not Bethany) say to me recently. “I’m so happy. I’ve realized how much __ loves me and that even if I gained 300 pounds he would still love me!” I didn’t say anything. I’m glad she feels loved. And I sincerely hope she’s right. But I also hope she doesn’t try it. Because although her young husband will hopefully still love and support her no matter what… He probably wouldn’t be thrilled. And I don’t think there would be much romance. Romance is dependent on so many things. Sight, smell, sound, touch, health, sleep, happy children… It is very unrealistic to expect to greet your husband every night looking and acting like, well, a frazzled mommy, and expect him to give you that Darcy look.
If you don’t know what I mean then you need to watch A&E’s Pride and Prejudice. If you have any romance in you at all, you will know the moment when you get to it. After you pick your heart up off the floor, dust it off and give it back to your husband!
A lot of us have seen that old article from the fifties about how to have a happy husband. Here’s a little excerpt:
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
People mock this old advice. But it is still true. Why wouldn’t we want to look good for our husbands? Why should we expect their eyes to light up at the sight of the pale wild-eyed woman with banana in her hair and spit-up on her shoulder? I mean, some days are just bad and the good husband will be loving and understanding. But as a general rule, it is no sacrifice to try and look cute for your man. Besides, it makes us feel better too. I love to be comfortable. And I don’t like to put on clean clothes when I know they’ll probably be dirty in about thirty minutes. I forget this lesson on a regular basis. But if I start whining about the lack of romance in my life, the first place I need to look is in the mirror.
Hmmm. What else have I learned…?
Never compare your spouse with another spouse.
Don’t serve a man lentil tacos on his birthday. (I didn’t do this - T’was a friend of mine!)
Don’t end an argument by saying “Well my Daddy does it this way!” (I did do that - before we were married - thank God he married me anyway!)
If a man says he’s thinking nothing - he may well be telling the truth. (and I don’t mean that as an insult)
And finally, one that a Titus 2 woman tried desperately to teach me - that I still haven’t come close to mastering… When you’re having problems with your spouse, when you are dissatisfied, when you think he’s making a mistake, when you really want him to change… Whatever…
Hands Off. Mouth Closed. Pray Like Crazy.